Death tends to put things into perspective. As a result work is not bothering me, because you know what I'm not a brain surgeon, i'm not a mother, I'm not a soldier and my work does not save lives. Life is good for me, because I see what it could be like. I could be one of my cousins whose going to lose their father in a matter of days.

I heard tonight that a male friend of mine had slept with another girl friend of his. They've been friends for a while but she's liked him and he has been, as usual, oblivious. He's now giving the idea serious thought because, "we spend so much time together and have so much in common and have fun".

The problem lies with the fact that I've been waiting for a long time to be given the same consideration.

And it broke my heart that after so many years that it has probably not even entered his mind to have that same internal discussion with me in mind, or that it was but discounted quickly and I wasn't even aware of it.

When someone who knows you better than the majority of people in your life rejects you, or doesn't even give the idea thought to require rejection, it's so very hard to not take it personally. Because I can handle CountryBoy rejection, or the other boy rejections because they don't know me well enough for it to hurt. But to have someone who I'm so close with, and shared so much with and who knows me so well, to have seen me and known me? And to still not want you? That's personal.

To be considered good enough to be a companion and a confidante and a friend and a lover and a girl friend but not good enough for a girlfriend? I regret not having the chance to try, to live it and to take a chance because I hate the not knowing worse than the rejection. Because if it didn't work then at least we tried and we'd know either way, and right now we don't. And that's why it hurts because I'm not considered worthy enough.